Bangkok is hot, damn hot, with talk of thermostats hitting at least 41C this week which means lower Sukhumvit is gonna have a lot of sweaty sexpats in need of some friendly advice on how to keep cool and maybe even save a few baht at the same time.
And who better than Stickboy to share a few words of weather wisdom with his fellow farrangs who are suffering and sweating like a marathon runner’s jockstrap in this crazy heat?
#1 Get your finest Chang vest top out the laundry basket – dont worry about the kebab sauce stains, no one will notice – give it a good shake to make sure all the crumbs are gone and you’re good to go. This isn’t the weather for those hi-so Heineken t-shirts your tribe of tramp stamp bar babes love to see you wearing. Seeing you in a singlet gives them a chance to check out your fat pack outside the bedroom and they’ll be all over you like the hansum bastard that you are.
#2 Whatever you do make sure you don’t take a cold shower. That’s the last thing you need despite what you may think or read online in these silly top 10 ways to stay cool in Bangkok lists. As soon as you step outside the heat is gonna hit you like a hammer to the face and you are right back at square one – sweating like a pregnant nun at confession. So, pointless showering and you’ll also save a few baht on the water bill that can be used for an extra beer.
#3 Stay hydrated with ice cold Leo on the way to the pub. Now this pro tip is an important one. Buy the small cans for a change. The glass longnecks will get hotter than a four balled tomcat in no time so best to stick with the small cans. The distance between 7-Elevens for top ups is about the range of one small can.
#4 Cranking up the aircon in your studio flat won’t make a blind bit of difference fellas as you’ll be sweating your sack off worrying about the little wheel on the electricity meter doing laps like Lewis Hamilton after three lines of charlie. A total waste of money and don’t even bother suggesting using two fans because all you are doing is blowing the hot air in circles. That idea is just another waste of power. What you want to do is get yourself into one of Bangkok’s mega malls and take full advantage of the best aircon money can buy, it’s just not you buying it which makes it even better when that lovely breeze keeps you cooler than a witches tit. And there’s a bonus. You won’t be the only one at the mall to cool down. Think of all that eye candy floating about killing time and taking advantage of the free aircon.
#5 After sitting at your favourite outdoor Queens Park Plaza watering hole chugging cold ones with the boys for a few hours you are gonna be sweating like a whore in church despite three fans blowing directly on to you. If it’s not barfine night of the month then it’s time to shuffle the diary and make some changes to those calendar dates as some much needed respite from the heat in a short time hotel is needed. Consider it a 2 for 1 deal. Two hours of cold air and hot ass all for 300 baht. Time to hit the Plaza shagger and give one of those go-go girls the night of her life.